Great Friends

In the wake of the last 2 weeks I am trying to be extra thankful, out loud, about the blessings in my life. I do know that my family is tremendously blessed but it seems that I get bogged down by the little frustrations in our world and lose sight of the good stuff.

Btw, I actually forgot that I had a blog until a few days ago. I knew that would happen when I started. I guess I will have to try and post on a daily basis to get in the habit so that when I am away for more than a week i will know I have missed updating here. Anyway.

I have been trying to put into words some of my feelings regarding the loss of Tim's grandmother and the tragedy in the police dept. I am in a group of police wives that is very encouraging and we can say how we feel and what we think and know that we all understand our life. Im very thankful for this group, especially now. I think we all feel this way.

I am also in a small group at church with other couples, not just like us, in our careers, but in our walk with the Lord. Now this is a group that I can be real with. I can really say what's on my mind and heart and not be condemned and without being understood even, I know I am loved. These girls, you know who you are, are some truly amazing God-sent friends. I only wish I had more time to spend with my dear friends. We get together with the kids often and with the families often but I just want to be kid/husband free for a night and really be real with the girls. DOn't get me wrong, if you have one or both, you understand that I love them so and wouldn't trade anything in this world for them, but I need some girl time with my great friends. Thank you all so much for loving me and my family and making that known. You are so special and for you I am thankful.

P.S. I'll write some of my thoughts and feelings re: tragedy once I can put in down in words...still tough.

Saturday

Saturday was a bad day. The last few days have also been mostly bad. I say mostly only b/c I have so much to be thankful for and the mostly bad part seems to overshadow the good stuff right now.

Saturday, Tim's mawmaw was taken off all of her life sustaining aids and passed away around 7pm last night...kind of a relief b/c she has had a rough few months and in lots of pain for over a week. Gavin said, with a half way smile, "Jesus came and took Mawmaw to heaven so she can see Hotdad!" Hotdad is Tim's grandfather who died about 5 years ago. She will be buried on Friday sometime, down in Florida where they are from. We will leave Thursday afternoon to drive down there.

Saturday, Tim's very first Sgt. was shot and killed in a gun battle on Brainerd Rd. in Chattanooga. Too many details to mention here but very very sad and angering. He was taken from his wife and 2 children and hundreds of "brothers". I remember very vividly the first time I met him walking in the hallway of the precinct one evening. His funeral will be Thursday at 1pm in Hixson.

Saturday was only the beginning of the tough stuff. All the processing that has been going on for Tim has been quite overwhelming for me so i am sure it is just too much for him. He is, thankfully, pretty good about sharing with me what he is thinking and feeling. I have learned alot in 10 years also, to just let him talk when he's ready. This is really hard for me. The funerals will sort of be the next thing to process. Im sure things will be said that we "know" but have a hard time understanding. Like God is not surprised by any of this. His timing is perfect. No more tears and suffering., etc. Its difficult on this side to see the positive but their reality is so much better that we could ever dream of for them here on earth. Mawmaw and Sgt. Chapin were both Christians and that is an awesome reality. Just hard to take their loss as our reality.

You may get alot of rambling from me over the next bit. Its just hard to put any thoughts in order...still numb

Heavy Heart

Saturday was an altogether no good very bad day. This post is coming together kind of like my prayers have been over the last 36 hrs...not really sure what to say. God knows my heart and the heart of others feeling the same heaviness.

Tim's grandmother has been ill for sometime now. Last Sunday she fell twice and was taken to the hospital and doctors wouldn't release her...doing more tests and monitoring her I suppose. We were given the diagnosis of staph infection and pneumonia on Wed/Thurs. not sure. She is so so sick right now. Saturday morning around 9ish, Tim''s dad called to tell him that they decided to take her off of all life sustaining aids...Later that evening they turned off the shock part of her defibrilator, to me that makes it real. She is dying and there is nothing we can do but sit and watch her. Actually, part of my heaviness is the fact that I can't be at the hospital with Tim and his mom b/c of the sickness and the risk involved with getting that and exposing the boys to it. Anyway, Tim sent me a text about 1030am, just about the time he arrived at the hospital. The text read, "I can't talk...two officers shot and one is dead". He finally sent me a text saying who it was. Sgt. Tim Chapin was Tim's first Sgt. when he finished his field training. I met him in the beginning. He was a great man. He left behind a wife and 2 children and many many "brothers" in the police dept. Tim has just been sick. He had already taken the day off work to go sit at the hospital to watch his grandmother die and now he has to deal with this pain away from all the other officers. Again, nothing I can do. I have just listened to him be sad and mad. The boys haven't seen him much over the last few days so it was delightful to watch him hold Brooks this a.m and to listen to him tickling Gavin. He needs that relief.

I want to be a the best of what he needs right now. I've just been praying to God that I really don't know what to pray. He knows what we all need. it just seems like too much.

Prayers on behalf of our blood family and our police family are greatly appreciated.

Just what I needed

God always know just what I need and the timing is always perfect. Today was a particularly challenging day for us with Gavin. Well, saying that the day was challenging isn't a fair representation b/c the challenge only lasted about 2 hours...seems like an entire day when its that bad!! I love that Gavin is so quick to forgive and that we can move on to brighter things.

I got a phone call from my friend Kelly just to ask me about a shirt size, well that's what we though initially. I do believe the shirt was just a way to get us on the phone with each other at jus the right time. I just said to her when ending the conversation, "hey, please pray for us this afternoon about Gavin and his behavior, its been really bad." Kelly then began to encourage me and we were able to share with each other some trying points in parenting a "difficult" preschooler. I use the term difficult lightly b/c these kids are so delightful most of the time :) God knew that Kelly and I needed to talk today at that particular moment. It was refreshing for her to tell me that I am a good mother and that she would be praying for me. We have both gone through some good and bad times with our sweet preschoolers and agree that it has brought us to a different level of dependence on God. Thanks Kelly, you are a sweet sweet friend.

I also had a much needed "date" with my friend Mary Nelle. We ALWAYS have our kids with us and we do make a point to "play" with the kids but I think we both needed a kid-free night. So, I fed Brooks and put him to bed and left Gavin in charge, J/K , Tim is off tonight so he put Gavin to bed after I left the house at 800pm. That's crazy, I haven't "gone out" in a long time. It only consisted of drinking a coke at Smokey Bones but it was so worth being with my friend for some girl time.

God has blessed me tremendously with some awesome girlfriends. I know I use my kids as my reason for not doing alot of stuff but God can't be hindered by my "schedule" and sense of control. I wish I had more opportunities to hang out with and/or talk to all of my friends regularly like I had today. HE is so good and HE knows just what I need.

Winter Jam 2011 - Francesca Battistelli - This is the Stuff - 1/15/11

My first Blog, What its all about!

Ok, so I've been thinking about doing a blog for a while. I seem to have a lot to say but find that most of my day is spent with 2 little boys who probably don't care much about it all. About the title of my blog: There is a song by Francesca Batestelli (?sp) called This is the Stuff. It's about the little stuff in our lives that drive us crazy but at the same time drive us to God and it's that same stuff that God uses in our lives to draw us to Him so that He will be glorified in us. That's my interpretation of the song. For me, the very first line of the song is about losing a cell phone and asking a friend to call you so you can possibly find it. Been there done that, more than I'd like to admit. It drives me crazy and it drives Tim even crazier when I lose my phone!!! Losing a different phone 3 times in 6 months will tend to make someone like me feel like an utter failure. "I can't even keep up with a stupid phone, why do I think I have any business keeping up with a family!" That is a line straight from Satan. Years I've spent trying to "take every thought captive as unto the Lord" but it seems the little stuff seems really big alot of times. God is so much bigger than that stupid cell phone and He would not have blessed me with such a terrific family if He didn't think I was capable, with Him of course, of taking care of them. So, all of that is to say that I am going to blog about the stuff in my life...the good the bad the ugly. My hope is that as I grow in my relationship with the Lord that there will be more good stuff to share than bad or ugly, even though He uses those just the same.