Great Friends

In the wake of the last 2 weeks I am trying to be extra thankful, out loud, about the blessings in my life. I do know that my family is tremendously blessed but it seems that I get bogged down by the little frustrations in our world and lose sight of the good stuff.

Btw, I actually forgot that I had a blog until a few days ago. I knew that would happen when I started. I guess I will have to try and post on a daily basis to get in the habit so that when I am away for more than a week i will know I have missed updating here. Anyway.

I have been trying to put into words some of my feelings regarding the loss of Tim's grandmother and the tragedy in the police dept. I am in a group of police wives that is very encouraging and we can say how we feel and what we think and know that we all understand our life. Im very thankful for this group, especially now. I think we all feel this way.

I am also in a small group at church with other couples, not just like us, in our careers, but in our walk with the Lord. Now this is a group that I can be real with. I can really say what's on my mind and heart and not be condemned and without being understood even, I know I am loved. These girls, you know who you are, are some truly amazing God-sent friends. I only wish I had more time to spend with my dear friends. We get together with the kids often and with the families often but I just want to be kid/husband free for a night and really be real with the girls. DOn't get me wrong, if you have one or both, you understand that I love them so and wouldn't trade anything in this world for them, but I need some girl time with my great friends. Thank you all so much for loving me and my family and making that known. You are so special and for you I am thankful.

P.S. I'll write some of my thoughts and feelings re: tragedy once I can put in down in words...still tough.

Saturday

Saturday was a bad day. The last few days have also been mostly bad. I say mostly only b/c I have so much to be thankful for and the mostly bad part seems to overshadow the good stuff right now.

Saturday, Tim's mawmaw was taken off all of her life sustaining aids and passed away around 7pm last night...kind of a relief b/c she has had a rough few months and in lots of pain for over a week. Gavin said, with a half way smile, "Jesus came and took Mawmaw to heaven so she can see Hotdad!" Hotdad is Tim's grandfather who died about 5 years ago. She will be buried on Friday sometime, down in Florida where they are from. We will leave Thursday afternoon to drive down there.

Saturday, Tim's very first Sgt. was shot and killed in a gun battle on Brainerd Rd. in Chattanooga. Too many details to mention here but very very sad and angering. He was taken from his wife and 2 children and hundreds of "brothers". I remember very vividly the first time I met him walking in the hallway of the precinct one evening. His funeral will be Thursday at 1pm in Hixson.

Saturday was only the beginning of the tough stuff. All the processing that has been going on for Tim has been quite overwhelming for me so i am sure it is just too much for him. He is, thankfully, pretty good about sharing with me what he is thinking and feeling. I have learned alot in 10 years also, to just let him talk when he's ready. This is really hard for me. The funerals will sort of be the next thing to process. Im sure things will be said that we "know" but have a hard time understanding. Like God is not surprised by any of this. His timing is perfect. No more tears and suffering., etc. Its difficult on this side to see the positive but their reality is so much better that we could ever dream of for them here on earth. Mawmaw and Sgt. Chapin were both Christians and that is an awesome reality. Just hard to take their loss as our reality.

You may get alot of rambling from me over the next bit. Its just hard to put any thoughts in order...still numb

Heavy Heart

Saturday was an altogether no good very bad day. This post is coming together kind of like my prayers have been over the last 36 hrs...not really sure what to say. God knows my heart and the heart of others feeling the same heaviness.

Tim's grandmother has been ill for sometime now. Last Sunday she fell twice and was taken to the hospital and doctors wouldn't release her...doing more tests and monitoring her I suppose. We were given the diagnosis of staph infection and pneumonia on Wed/Thurs. not sure. She is so so sick right now. Saturday morning around 9ish, Tim''s dad called to tell him that they decided to take her off of all life sustaining aids...Later that evening they turned off the shock part of her defibrilator, to me that makes it real. She is dying and there is nothing we can do but sit and watch her. Actually, part of my heaviness is the fact that I can't be at the hospital with Tim and his mom b/c of the sickness and the risk involved with getting that and exposing the boys to it. Anyway, Tim sent me a text about 1030am, just about the time he arrived at the hospital. The text read, "I can't talk...two officers shot and one is dead". He finally sent me a text saying who it was. Sgt. Tim Chapin was Tim's first Sgt. when he finished his field training. I met him in the beginning. He was a great man. He left behind a wife and 2 children and many many "brothers" in the police dept. Tim has just been sick. He had already taken the day off work to go sit at the hospital to watch his grandmother die and now he has to deal with this pain away from all the other officers. Again, nothing I can do. I have just listened to him be sad and mad. The boys haven't seen him much over the last few days so it was delightful to watch him hold Brooks this a.m and to listen to him tickling Gavin. He needs that relief.

I want to be a the best of what he needs right now. I've just been praying to God that I really don't know what to pray. He knows what we all need. it just seems like too much.

Prayers on behalf of our blood family and our police family are greatly appreciated.