After nearly 2 months of not posting on my blog, mostly because I forget I have a blogspot, I thought of something basically mindless that I can write about. Its not for a lack of meaty stuff in my life, cause its here. Its just that the mindless is easier. You see, the meaty stuff requires that I sit and feel all the emotions of each situation that I write about. And well, I am tired and really don't want to get all emotional right now. Really ever, really. Tim is gonna come home in about an hour and tell me about a horrible night that he had involving an infant that died. Thats all I know so far, so Im gonna save my emotion for that. He needs me.

So my mindless stuff: home decor and remodeling...like we have the money to remodel but we refinanced our house back in October so we are gonna be here for a while and we decided that we should do some "remodeling" if we are gonna stay here. We both have ideas, some alike and some conflicting, which is completely normal after being married for 10 years. Congrats to us b/c that is impressive these days. oh, and I may get sidetracked again b/c I just heard Brooks waking up at 1009 pm. I will be right back hopefully.

So, for now there is just a list...Im actually just recording the list right now b/c we have only talked about stuf and not written it down. And I have gotten on this website called pinterest (I don't know how to make that an url address for you, sorry. But it is a place where people record their ideas and it shares with the world. Ive seen some pretty cool stuff that I hope I can use in our home.

1) The kitchen wall will partially be knocked out so that the living space is open and not broken up. Then I will add some cabinets and counter space like an extension in an "L" shape.

2)The pantry needs some added shelves, easy

3)Extend the back deck. We got one of those canopy gazebo things for the deck, like extra living space and a new grill for our anniversary and now we have no room to get on and off the deck or for the dog gate to open/close. Grampy is a master decker, I made that up but its true :) so he said he will build it for us one weekend, ha.

4) The boys/guestbathroom has vertical strips which was a good idea 7 years ago but I didn't diy the right way so it really isn't the color that I always wanted, so Im gonna sand the walls and repaint, unsure of colors, but something that is bright and fun.

5)Tim wants to knock out part of our bedroom wall to extend our closet space but not for clothes, yep he wants space for his bow/guns.

6) Gavin's room is a good size and I think eventually we will put Brooks in there with him so we can have a guest room again so I want to make it more user friendly. He has only one window but I think floor to ceiling shelving with cabinets on the bottom would be cool on each side of the window. That will add storage so the closet can be for clothes and shoes only.

7) Our entry way is right into the living room so my thought is to make our landing of the basement stairs the "entryway" you know where you hang jackets and bags and keys. I saw a cool idea on pinterest.

These are in no particular order...The final thing that I know we need to do but we have both been avoiding like the plague is....THE BASEMENT.

8) We plan to homeschool. We have a full unfinished basement. It needs to be finished so that we can have school there, seperate from home. I need that and I think Gavin needs that. We are gonna start preschool with him in the fall so we need to get on some of this stuff if we intend to teach him in a proper classroom.

Ok, Im really tired now so I will go. I hope to get better about the in's and out's of blogging so that I can properly post pictures of before/after of all of these projects. Be warned, I will not clean up before I take a picture. :)

Guaranteed

While folding clothes tonight at 11pm, with a good attitude(which is not often how I fold clothes), God blessed me with a cool though. Please follow my thought process...I am folding and thinking to myself which I do alot of b/c I shouldn't be thinking it much less saying it out loud.

Tim sure does have alot of clothes, especially tshirts and underwear and those are the things he always wants more of. I can't keep them clean. He is sure to ask me about once a week if he has any clean underwear, mind you there are 37 pair of underwear in the drawer!. My usual answer is look in the drawer, well he doesn't like those, so whatever. I need to do laundry more often so he will have underwear. And t shirts. He says, I don't guess I have any clean t shirts do I? Thats his way of asking nicely why I haven't done the laundry lately. Let me side note here. I know that Tim loves me and doesn't ask these things the way I take them, Satan comes to steal kill and destroy and I know that my battle is not against flesh and blood but against satan. Okay. So the cool thing that GOd showed me while I was folding clothes with a good attitude was that I can be thankful for Tim asking me about clean underwear and t shirts on a weeklly basis b/c that just reminds me that HE NEEDS ME!. He needs me...that is so cool. I know its simple but its guaranteed that he needs me b/c he will always need clean underwear and t shirts.

Thanks you God for that tonight.

The Nose is overrated

Catchy title, huh!?! That is not what I want to talk about but it is what is consuming me and causing much discomfort. I suppose its allergy related which is what we are calling everything right now. My nose feels to be the size of a baseball and feels like a water balloon all tied up and ready to be thrown at someone. Occasionally there is a leak in the "balloon" and I revert to a 2nd grader who has snot all over herself. Its really embarrassing. And then there's the sound of a bullfrog or a scary man that comes out of my mouth. I like to keep it real so there it is. Tomorrow when I see patients for the first time this week Im sure I will be explaining that I am not sick, just allergies. Oh, and Zyrtec is the preferred treatment for a breastfeeding mother and guess what!?! It wired me for sound last night and you can't take another dose within 24 hrs. so that leaves me without help until morning. I didn't sleep well last night so what is one more night. We'll see if the meds work for the daytime hours and I can get some relief. If the snot turns green, which indicates infection, then I don't even have to go to my dr. , She will call in an antibiotic for me...isn't that awesome!! So..

I think I will discuss "Blessings" next blog...who knows, it may be another month and something else will have my affection.

Great Friends

In the wake of the last 2 weeks I am trying to be extra thankful, out loud, about the blessings in my life. I do know that my family is tremendously blessed but it seems that I get bogged down by the little frustrations in our world and lose sight of the good stuff.

Btw, I actually forgot that I had a blog until a few days ago. I knew that would happen when I started. I guess I will have to try and post on a daily basis to get in the habit so that when I am away for more than a week i will know I have missed updating here. Anyway.

I have been trying to put into words some of my feelings regarding the loss of Tim's grandmother and the tragedy in the police dept. I am in a group of police wives that is very encouraging and we can say how we feel and what we think and know that we all understand our life. Im very thankful for this group, especially now. I think we all feel this way.

I am also in a small group at church with other couples, not just like us, in our careers, but in our walk with the Lord. Now this is a group that I can be real with. I can really say what's on my mind and heart and not be condemned and without being understood even, I know I am loved. These girls, you know who you are, are some truly amazing God-sent friends. I only wish I had more time to spend with my dear friends. We get together with the kids often and with the families often but I just want to be kid/husband free for a night and really be real with the girls. DOn't get me wrong, if you have one or both, you understand that I love them so and wouldn't trade anything in this world for them, but I need some girl time with my great friends. Thank you all so much for loving me and my family and making that known. You are so special and for you I am thankful.

P.S. I'll write some of my thoughts and feelings re: tragedy once I can put in down in words...still tough.

Saturday

Saturday was a bad day. The last few days have also been mostly bad. I say mostly only b/c I have so much to be thankful for and the mostly bad part seems to overshadow the good stuff right now.

Saturday, Tim's mawmaw was taken off all of her life sustaining aids and passed away around 7pm last night...kind of a relief b/c she has had a rough few months and in lots of pain for over a week. Gavin said, with a half way smile, "Jesus came and took Mawmaw to heaven so she can see Hotdad!" Hotdad is Tim's grandfather who died about 5 years ago. She will be buried on Friday sometime, down in Florida where they are from. We will leave Thursday afternoon to drive down there.

Saturday, Tim's very first Sgt. was shot and killed in a gun battle on Brainerd Rd. in Chattanooga. Too many details to mention here but very very sad and angering. He was taken from his wife and 2 children and hundreds of "brothers". I remember very vividly the first time I met him walking in the hallway of the precinct one evening. His funeral will be Thursday at 1pm in Hixson.

Saturday was only the beginning of the tough stuff. All the processing that has been going on for Tim has been quite overwhelming for me so i am sure it is just too much for him. He is, thankfully, pretty good about sharing with me what he is thinking and feeling. I have learned alot in 10 years also, to just let him talk when he's ready. This is really hard for me. The funerals will sort of be the next thing to process. Im sure things will be said that we "know" but have a hard time understanding. Like God is not surprised by any of this. His timing is perfect. No more tears and suffering., etc. Its difficult on this side to see the positive but their reality is so much better that we could ever dream of for them here on earth. Mawmaw and Sgt. Chapin were both Christians and that is an awesome reality. Just hard to take their loss as our reality.

You may get alot of rambling from me over the next bit. Its just hard to put any thoughts in order...still numb

Heavy Heart

Saturday was an altogether no good very bad day. This post is coming together kind of like my prayers have been over the last 36 hrs...not really sure what to say. God knows my heart and the heart of others feeling the same heaviness.

Tim's grandmother has been ill for sometime now. Last Sunday she fell twice and was taken to the hospital and doctors wouldn't release her...doing more tests and monitoring her I suppose. We were given the diagnosis of staph infection and pneumonia on Wed/Thurs. not sure. She is so so sick right now. Saturday morning around 9ish, Tim''s dad called to tell him that they decided to take her off of all life sustaining aids...Later that evening they turned off the shock part of her defibrilator, to me that makes it real. She is dying and there is nothing we can do but sit and watch her. Actually, part of my heaviness is the fact that I can't be at the hospital with Tim and his mom b/c of the sickness and the risk involved with getting that and exposing the boys to it. Anyway, Tim sent me a text about 1030am, just about the time he arrived at the hospital. The text read, "I can't talk...two officers shot and one is dead". He finally sent me a text saying who it was. Sgt. Tim Chapin was Tim's first Sgt. when he finished his field training. I met him in the beginning. He was a great man. He left behind a wife and 2 children and many many "brothers" in the police dept. Tim has just been sick. He had already taken the day off work to go sit at the hospital to watch his grandmother die and now he has to deal with this pain away from all the other officers. Again, nothing I can do. I have just listened to him be sad and mad. The boys haven't seen him much over the last few days so it was delightful to watch him hold Brooks this a.m and to listen to him tickling Gavin. He needs that relief.

I want to be a the best of what he needs right now. I've just been praying to God that I really don't know what to pray. He knows what we all need. it just seems like too much.

Prayers on behalf of our blood family and our police family are greatly appreciated.

Just what I needed

God always know just what I need and the timing is always perfect. Today was a particularly challenging day for us with Gavin. Well, saying that the day was challenging isn't a fair representation b/c the challenge only lasted about 2 hours...seems like an entire day when its that bad!! I love that Gavin is so quick to forgive and that we can move on to brighter things.

I got a phone call from my friend Kelly just to ask me about a shirt size, well that's what we though initially. I do believe the shirt was just a way to get us on the phone with each other at jus the right time. I just said to her when ending the conversation, "hey, please pray for us this afternoon about Gavin and his behavior, its been really bad." Kelly then began to encourage me and we were able to share with each other some trying points in parenting a "difficult" preschooler. I use the term difficult lightly b/c these kids are so delightful most of the time :) God knew that Kelly and I needed to talk today at that particular moment. It was refreshing for her to tell me that I am a good mother and that she would be praying for me. We have both gone through some good and bad times with our sweet preschoolers and agree that it has brought us to a different level of dependence on God. Thanks Kelly, you are a sweet sweet friend.

I also had a much needed "date" with my friend Mary Nelle. We ALWAYS have our kids with us and we do make a point to "play" with the kids but I think we both needed a kid-free night. So, I fed Brooks and put him to bed and left Gavin in charge, J/K , Tim is off tonight so he put Gavin to bed after I left the house at 800pm. That's crazy, I haven't "gone out" in a long time. It only consisted of drinking a coke at Smokey Bones but it was so worth being with my friend for some girl time.

God has blessed me tremendously with some awesome girlfriends. I know I use my kids as my reason for not doing alot of stuff but God can't be hindered by my "schedule" and sense of control. I wish I had more opportunities to hang out with and/or talk to all of my friends regularly like I had today. HE is so good and HE knows just what I need.